Looking Back and Some Advice

As we are getting closer to our 2 year gotcha day I have been doing a lot of reflecting back. I cannot believe the changes in our little man. When L first came home he was so cautious and reserved. He was so small, almost 19 months old but only weighing 19 lbs and only 29 1/2 inches. He wore a 9 month pant and a 12 month shirt. In the first 4 months he gained 9 lbs and grew 4 inches. He must have been hurting growing so fast. He never really cried he would just start and then put his thumb in his mouth and stop. He has definitely learned that crying gets him things but it took a while for him to learn that.

I wanted to post some things that we did to help him with his transition. We limited hugs, kisses, feeding and any care taking role to just Jeff and I. We had planned on doing this for just the first 6-8 weeks home but as we got to know him we learned that he was just not ready for any of that yet, he still did not know what a parent was or that it was us. I remember we were home for about 4 months and we took him to the mall and he walked out of the play area and just kept going, not once EVER looking back for us (of course I followed close behind to see what he would do). When he was scared or hurt he would ALWAYS go to his blanket. It took a very long time of teaching him to come to me or DH but he still had to have the blanket. We did the no holding thing for about 6 months but when it did start happening he was the one who started to initiate the closeness and that was really only to a select few. he started to get some stranger awareness at that point THANK GOD!

To help with the lack of nutrition in the first year and half of his life we put him back on a bottle and formula until his 2nd B-day so for about 6 months. He needed the formula for the nutrition, we used the step 2. It was no problem breaking the bottle habit either. We started with naps and that was no issue at all. And then when he turned 2 I got ride of the bed time bottle. It was about 3 days of just a little fussy and that was it. I still game him milk but in a sippy cup. The bottle and formula was not only good for his weight gain I think it helped some brain development also and it was good for attachment.

We started doing holding time after he was home for about 4/5 months. I started to notice some RED FLAGS and my gut was telling me he needed more than what we were doing. The first time was the longest hour of my life and his to I am sure. The next time was only about 25 minutes of screaming and then the next it was about 5 minutes and then just pure love and snuggles. Just a few months back L started having some issues and he started acting out looking for holding time. As soon as I would pick him up and head upstairs he would settle down and snuggle right in. I asked him if he just wanted me to hold him and he said yes. I explained to him that I will hold him anytime he needs me to and that he doesn't have to act up to have mommy time.

Another thing I did was carry him every where. I got the Playtex Hip hammock that is designed for older babies and he fit great. I walked around the neighborhood like that everyday. I am sure people thought I was crazy carrying around a 20 pounder but he needed it and I was going to give my baby what ever he needed to flourish despite what anyone thought. I truly believe you cannot parent a PI child especially one newly home like you would a child raised in a family since birth. They are totally different. After a little while home I started doing time outs L would pull so far away it took days to get back to what we accomplished and it caused a lot of aggression also. So from recommendation from another adoptive mom I started doing time ins instead and that worked great. I know that I had read that somewhere also but I read so much I sometimes forget about things until they are brought to my attention again.

I have to say just in the past few months Logan has really settled into his own. I can look at him and how he behaves and see that he has finally excepted us as his and he will make claim to us also. I LOVE IT. I know that we will still have our fair share of PI related stuff. As he showed some just about a month ago with another woman. Not that he wanted to leave with her or anything but he got very close to this stranger and wanted to be by her the whole time we were around her. His behavior for a while after was HORRIBLE towards me. I think he still has some issues being able to love Jeff and I both. Not when were apart but when we are all together he has been VERY whiny lately. I hope that one day I will be able to say that my boy does not suffer any issues relating to being in an orphanage for the first 18 1/2 months of his life. I have no doubt that he is attached to us but I still believe he suffers a little.

So if you care here are my recommendations as a mom to a PI child who has been home with his family for almost 2 years.

AGE does not make a difference, ANY baby/child can suffer from attachment problems. I know of babies as young as 9 months coming home and rejecting their new parents. They will also suffer a great loss no matter what they have now. We as their new parents took them away from the only home they ever knew. I think ever child/baby should be treated as if they HAVE an attachment problem for the first 6/8 weeks home, at least until they get to know you and vice versa.

Putting a baby back on a bottle even up to the age of 3 (if they will take it) great for eye contact and attachment, I HIGHLY recommend this.

FORMULA, I think is the key to why L gained weight and grew so fast.

Skin to skin contact, swimming and bathing together are greats ways to do this.

Carry them as much as possible. As some of us call it Velcro them to you.

Do holding time, it may seem like torture at first but the benefits are amazing.

In my opinion, from experience do not do time outs for at least 6 months, do time ins. Putting a child out that has been out for so long can be detrimental to them.

No spanking, you have no idea what the little guy/girl has went through. They could have been abused. We all know that they were neglected for however long they live in an orphanage because 12 people cannot take care of 400 kids at once.

And my most important thing is listen to your gut. A person even if they have 4 or 20 kids cannot tell you what your little one or you has or are going through. Their child unless they are PI also are totally different. Do what you feel is right for your child they are the most important one. Even if people disagree with you, you are your child's greatest advocate.

Oh ya, read, read and then read some more, you cannot be over prepared for what your child has went through or how to help them with their loss and grief.
Attachment takes time it is not an over night thing. I really believe it took Logan well over a year to become attached to me and we did a lot of things to promote it. We had 10 steps forward and then 2 back many times throughout the past 2 years all part of attachment. I really think his hardest part was just a little over a year home. He had some MAJOR issues going on so we got rid of the time outs started doing more holding time and time ins. November and December of 2007 were horrible. But with love and understanding of where his anger was coming from and helping him from all that I learned before his adoption got us through it and he emerged even closer to me.

I have to say with his rough start in life and by that I mean missing out on what most babies have and that is love. A newborn requires so much their first year of life and Logan didn't get that. My heart aches for him for that loss. I wish I could have been there for him to comfort him when he needed it. Logan has turned into this smart, funny, witty, handsome little boy who I am so very proud of.