A Place In My Heart!

Jeff and I have had some sad news a couple of weeks ago and I have been trying to decide if to write about it or not and I decided that I mentally needed to. I have to put closure to it and I believe this will help.

Jeff and I for the last 3 months have been hoping and planning on adopting a baby through domestic adoption. We did not tell a lot of people only a select few because you never know how things can turn out as we have been down the failed adoption road before.

It all started when Jeff came home the first of September and told me about this young girl who was pregnant and wanted us to adopt her baby. I was TOTALLY shocked, I never thought in a million years that would ever happen. It was actually a very sweet thing that he did. He had all parties talk to our agency and get everything set up before he told me because he didn’t want me to get hurt if they didn’t pick us. They were talking to a couple of other families as well. Jeff knew about all of this for a month before he involved me.

I called Dana at my agency and she said they met the day before and that the BM and BF were on board that this is really what they wanted and they had support about the adoption from both sides of the family. It seemed to good to be true but we soon agreed to meet them. We were going to have a closed adoption after the baby was born. We were going to send updates and pics. No last names or addresses would be given by Jeff and I.
I feel that that info is for my child to use when and if they choose at an understanding and age appropriate.

When we met I really liked her (I will call her A) and it seemed like this was really what she and her ex-boyfriend wanted. I thought that she loved this baby and if her life were different she would keep her. I agreed to take her to her Dr.’s appointments. So a couple of weeks later I was off to pick her up from school and take her. A couple of weeks later I was at her Ultra sound finding out it was a girl. I was sitting there watching “My Daughter” squirming around and kicking. It was really cool, I have never seen a baby ultra sound in person and what was even better was this was going to be my baby.
I started checking in with her on how she was feeling and just getting to know her so I could tell “my daughter” more about her BM.

As I began to get to know her we started to have open conversations about how she had been living the past 2 years and drugs which she assured me that she was NOT doing. We specifically talked about smoking pot and cigarettes and she told me that she had a few times at first and she didn’t want to have a @#XX baby. She said there were no other drugs and she really wasn’t a drinker. “A” told me repeatedly that this adoption was what she wanted and that she wanted me to be in the delivery room with her.

“A” said she wanted a family for the baby, a better life than she could give her. There is no way that A will ever be able to emotionally or financially take care of the baby. She has no diploma yet, no car, no money, no roof over her head if she keeps her, no job and is living off the state right now.

Certain things did bother me, like she had all of these little friends with babies. She was VERY excited it was a girl, she named her and told everyone what her name was. I felt as though she was being forced into this adoption but who am I to say. I did find myself holding back a little because of our past losses in adoption but I was still excited and even bought her a little outfit for pics at the hospital and coming home. I didn’t paint or start preparing for her yet, talks, but nothing else. Thank God, I learned my lesson the first time around many years ago, it is not a fun thing to have an empty nursery.

I felt bad for her, I was proud of her for making a very difficult decision and putting her baby first. I thought that she loved this baby and only wanted the best for her UNTIL that Sunday 2 weeks ago, 2 months after we started this journey. I got the dreaded call that she had been busted by the police for SMOKING POT with a supposed friend. I say supposed because what kind of friend would even hand a FRIEND who was PREGNANT a JOINT. That is no friend, that person doesn’t care about this girl or her baby in any way. Can you tell it just disgust me. I am no frigid bitXX but come on while your pregnant how low class. Dana informed me that “A” had admitted to smoking pot pretty much on a weekly basis her whole pregnancy. I knew that that was the end of our journey for this baby.

Dana then told me that “A” was thinking that she wanted to keep the baby now because we may change our minds. OK, I am sorry but what the hell could this girl be thinking. Now that she had gotten busted for smoking pot and lying, PROVING that she can NOT take care of this baby and now she wants to keep her.

Jeff and I talked about it for a few days and decided after previous conversations that I had with “A” about other drugs that we could not trust the it was “just pot” We could not believe a word she said about anything now. I had just taken her to the Dr’s on Thursday and she got busted on Friday. I guess she told Dana that it was no big deal to smoke pot that all of her little friends did and all of their babies are fine, WHAT is she crazy. Like my pediatrician said it doesn’t take much to be a baby.

I waited to see if she was going to call and tell me but she didn’t so I waited until I cooled off and I called her. I told her that I was very disappointed that she put the baby’s future in jeopardy and that I was upset that she lied to us. I was shocked when she apologized to me for lying but she said nothing about the pot or the baby, what the heck? I asked her about keeping the baby and she said only since she got in trouble and because we probably wouldn’t want her now because she lied to me. I was now really ticked, what the heck, NO it’s because you did drugs with your baby. I asked her if her baby was sitting next to her right now if she would give the baby a shotgun off of the joint and she said no, so I said well that is what you do every time you hit one. If you have a buzz so does she, I do not believe she gets it.\

I asked her how she planned on caring for the baby for the next 18 years when she couldn’t even give up 9 months of her life to make sure her baby was OK. I told her that she put herself in front of the baby and you can’t do that when you have a baby, your baby should come first. I told her that I had done some research on the effects of drugs and that Jeff and I had made the difficult decision to not proceed with the adoption. I wished her well and I told her I hope that she does right by this baby and to take care of herself and the baby.

This was such a loss again, for 2 months I had a baby girl on the way, she was Due: Feb 15th 2008. We had narrowed down to 2 names but I had my favorite. I am so upset with the young twit. I was telling my girlfriend that adoption is so difficult. I never thought we would do a domestic adoption and I never will again. Adoption is such a WONDERFUL thing if it works out but when it doesn’t man it hurts.

I explained Domestic adoption to my girlfriend like this. In my own opinion, it is like being pregnant, having all the worries about the baby, you know is it healthy, moving enough, all parts and pieces and everything in between. Then you have I hope that BM is taking care of herself, eating well and that this is actually going to happen. Then when you take the baby home with you, you have to wait for court and BM can change her mind until then and you may have to give the baby, your baby back. It is such an emotional journey, a journey that I do not think I can ever go through again. I have felt this baby kick, squirm in her USound and I have ultra sound pics, and now she is no longer “my daughter”. I know everything does happen for a reason but that does not make the loss any easier. This baby girl will always hold a place in my heart along with the other little ones that I think of often.

I love Logan with all of my being, all of the pain it took for the stars to line up right for us to become a family was worth it, but I am emotionally spent on expanding our family. 3 years of infertility, 2 years of adoption, 4 babies lost in adoption I just do not think I can give anymore after this. I am happy if I am only meant to be Logan’s Mommy, he is a pure joy (most of the time until the terrible two’s kick in :~) and there is no bigger honor.